11 Unexpected Lessons God’s Been Teaching Me in Engagement

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🙏 Opening Prayer:

Lord, thank You for using seasons of preparation to shape us into the men and women You’ve called us to be. Teach us to love like You love, forgive like You forgive, and to keep You at the center of everything we build. Amen.

👋 Today’s Snapshot:

Engagement has been one of the most refining, eye-opening seasons of my life. It’s revealed blind spots, stretched my patience, and at the same time drawn me closer to God. My fiancée Mary Jane is the biggest blessing I have in my life outside of my relationship with Christ, and I am so grateful for marry her in 8 DAYS!

Here are 11 unexpected lessons I’ve learned during this time—lessons I know I’ll carry into marriage, but also ones that apply to any relationship you’re building:

1. It’s not about making each other happy, it’s about making each other holy.
   I read a great book during engagement called Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. One of the things that hit me the hardest was when he said that the goal of marriage is not about making each other happy— it’s about making each other holy. Happiness is fleeting—circumstantial. Holiness is eternal. My role isn’t to entertain or constantly “fix the mood,” but to encourage my fiancée to look more like Christ. And she does the same for me.
   Practical: Next time you’re in a disagreement, instead of asking “How can I make this better?” ask, “How can I respond in a way that makes us more like Jesus?”
   📖 1 Peter 1:15 — “But as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct.”

2. Your relationship will never improve until you make the Lord your #1 priority.
   When God isn’t at the center, everything else feels off. Date nights, conversations, even little moments—none of it fully clicks. But when we’re both pursuing Him first, it aligns our hearts.

   Make quiet time with the Lord a non-negotiable. Open up His Word. Ask the Holy Spirit to search your heart and reveal where you have fallen short and need to repent. A marriage built on the foundation of Christ is the only option for a thriving relationship. He must ALWAYS be your #1.
   Practical: Start the day in the Word separately, and end the day in prayer together. Bookend your relationship with God’s presence.
   📖 Matthew 6:33 — “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”

3. There’s a healthy way to handle conflict, and it’s an opportunity to grow stronger together.

   
   I used to avoid conflict or try to appease in our relationship, and that caused a big strain between us. After going through pre-marital counseling and working through our conflicts with the help of the Holy Spirit, I now I see it as a training ground. When handled with patience, humility, and love, conflict refines us.

   
   Practical: When conflict comes up, pause to pray. Ask God to search your heart before you seek to be understood. Then come back together with the goal of understanding each other, not being right.

   
   📖 Ephesians 4:26–27 says, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.”

4. Having boundaries is incredibly important.

   
   One of the most powerful things my fiancée and I did early on was make a purity commitment to one another. We decided we weren’t going to cross certain lines before marriage, and it’s been incredible to see how the Lord has honored and blessed that commitment. It hasn’t always been easy, but the fruit of it has been so worth it.

   We also set boundaries around finances. We agreed not to merge accounts, make big purchases, or treat money as “ours” until after the covenant of marriage. That decision gave us clarity and peace—protecting us from confusion, resentment, or acting like we were already married before we actually are.

   Boundaries aren’t about restriction—they’re about creating guardrails that protect intimacy, clarity, and trust. When handled with intentionality, they give you freedom to focus on building the foundation God actually wants you to build.

   Practical: Sit down with your partner and identify 2–3 areas where you need guardrails—whether that’s purity, finances, time with friends, or technology. Agree on them, pray over them, and watch how God blesses your obedience.

   
   📖 Proverbs 4:23 — “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

5. Don’t take things so personal. She’s allowed to have a bad day.
   Not every sigh, silence, or frustrated tone is about me. Sometimes she just had a tough day. And that’s okay. My role isn’t to absorb it all, but to love her through it.

   
   Practical: When you feel yourself taking it personal, pause and ask, “Hey, how’s your heart today?” instead of reacting.

   
   📖 Colossians 3:13 — “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.”

6. Prioritize praying together and alternate who leads.
   I recently listened to a powerful sermon from Joel Beeke on 10 Ways to Grow and Glorify God in Your Marriage. One point that stuck with me was the importance of alternating who leads prayer. He shared how men and women pray differently—and how both reflect the heart of God in unique ways.

   It’s a beautiful thing. When I lead prayer, I naturally bring one perspective. When my fiancée leads, her heart and words bring another. Together, it gives us a fuller, richer way of seeking the Lord. Prayer as a couple isn’t just a habit—it’s an act of unity.

   Practical: Don’t let one person carry prayer alone. Switch off daily. Let both voices be heard before God, and you’ll see Him knit your hearts together in ways you can’t manufacture.

   
   📖 Matthew 18:20 — “For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”

7. Do what they like, not what you think they will like.
   This one humbled me. I used to assume I knew what would make my fiancée feel loved—like picking out flowers I thought looked nice. (Guilty here.) But it turns out, the flowers I think are “pretty” aren’t always the ones she actually loves.

   Same with things like skincare or little gifts—I’ve learned it means way more when I take the time to know her actual favorites instead of guessing.

   Love isn’t about projecting what I like—it’s about stepping into her world and paying attention to what makes her feel seen.

   Practical: Ask questions. Take notes. Learn the small details—her favorite flowers, the skincare brand she trusts, the coffee order she always gets—and show love in ways that reflect her, not just you.

   
   📖 Philippians 2:4 — “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

8. Have fun together and make that a priority.
   One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned in engagement is that you can’t let the stress of planning or responsibilities rob you of joy. For me, I realized I was taking life way too seriously sometimes. Fun starts with intentionality.

   We’ve started planning out date nights that are fun and unique—something to look forward to and break routine. But at the same time, some of our best moments have come from being spontaneous.

   Both are important. Be intentional, but also open-handed. Fun keeps your relationship light, joyful, and connected.

   Practical: Schedule one unique date night a week, but leave room for spur-of-the-moment joy. Don’t be afraid to loosen up—life’s too short to take it all so seriously.

   
   📖 Proverbs 17:22 — “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”

9. Listen, and don’t always try to fix everything.
   This one hit me hard, because as men, we naturally want to solve problems. When my fiancée shares what’s on her heart, my instinct is to give her a three-step plan to fix it. But I’ve realized—most of the time she doesn’t need my solutions. She needs my presence, my empathy, and my ears.

   Listening well means reflecting things back to her—“So what I’m hearing is you’re feeling ___ because of ___”—and asking thoughtful questions that show I actually care. It means slowing down enough to understand, not rushing to move on. Then, if she wants advice, she’ll ask for it. Until then, my job is to encourage her and remind her I’m with her.

   Practical: Next time your spouse or fiancé shares, focus on understanding. Reflect her words back to her, ask curious questions, and encourage her before offering any advice. Don’t assume she needs fixing—assume she needs presence.

   
   📖 James 1:19 — “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

10. Don’t hold grudges. Be quick to apologize and quick to forgive.
    One of the fastest ways to let distance creep into a relationship is by holding onto little offenses. Even if you think you’re “over it,” bitterness has a way of sticking around in your tone, your body language, and your heart. I’ve learned that when I let pride keep me from apologizing—or when I silently hold something against my fiancée—it only builds walls between us.

    Apologizing quickly isn’t weakness—it’s strength. Forgiving quickly isn’t letting someone “off the hook”—it’s guarding your relationship from the foothold of resentment. We’re both sinners, and we’re both going to mess up. The faster we admit that, the faster we heal.

    Practical: If you feel tension hanging in the air, don’t ignore it. Take initiative—say, “I don’t want this to sit between us. I’m sorry, and I love you.” Or if you’re hurt, choose forgiveness in your heart before you even voice it. Make reconciliation the priority, not being right.

    
    📖 Ephesians 4:32 — “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

11. Sacrificial love should be a joyful thing, done willfully out of reverence for Christ.
    Sacrifice in a relationship isn’t just about chores or compromises—it’s about laying down pride, preferences, and comfort for the sake of love. What’s surprised me is that when it’s rooted in Christ, sacrifice doesn’t feel heavy—it actually becomes joyful.

    I’ve seen this in small things: choosing to run the errand she doesn’t want to, or putting aside my phone when she needs my attention. And in bigger things: adjusting my schedule, reordering my priorities, and choosing her needs above my own. When I do it with the mindset of, “I’m loving her the way Christ loved the Church,” it changes everything.

    Practical: Each day, choose one act of sacrifice—big or small—and do it with joy. Don’t announce it, don’t keep score. Let your actions quietly preach, “I love you more than my comfort.”

    
    📖 Ephesians 5:25 — “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

🙏 Closing Prayer

Lord, thank You for showing us that relationships are not meant to make us comfortable, but to make us more like You. Give us the humility to apologize, the strength to forgive, and the joy to love sacrificially every day.

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